Reunited
by Sunrise over the Tango Factory
Summary: The unbelievable has happened one of Lister's stupid mistakes has benefited Rimmer, making his favourite dream come true!
1. A long way from home

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: I was going through the stories I'd wrote the other day, and was suddenly struck by a thought (it really hurt!), a lot of people were asking for a continuation of the 'Teenage years of a loser called Rimmer stories', needless to say I was flattered. As some of you may know, I've been writing some co-written work recently (Alter-U, Staccato) and it's been a laugh. I've decided to write a quite happy story, with more fluff then a wet Persian cat that's been blow-dried. So enjoy!

Oh, one more thing, if you are about to read this, but haven't read 'Teenage years of a loser called Rimmer' or the sequel 'further teenage years of a loser called Rimmer' you might want to, because otherwise you'll send me emails wanting to know various details.

"What do you mean you didn't see it!?!" wailed Rimmer, flapping his hands about in an obvious display of anger and desperation. To say that his temper was short was laughably understated. He was stuck on starbug on some twisted treasure hunt for Red Dwarf, so that had got his blood bubbling, and now they'd been sucked into some 'tunnely, holey thing', (Cat's child like terminology also sent his blood pressure rocketing) all because Lister hadn't obeyed Rimmer's given orders.

"It just appeared out of no where," replied Lister rolling his eyes at the holograms overreacting, "It took me by surprise!"

There was a pause, and for a second Lister thought Rimmer had bought his made up excuse.

"You were playing that stupid game again weren't you?" came his harsh voice.

"No" said Lister, far too quickly

"You were!" said Rimmer in a singsong voice, laced with anger.

"Wasn't!" replied Lister, casually knocking the 'Ultimate Zombie Alien death match 2' case off the desk and onto the floor, but Rimmer had already jumped to his conclusion and quickly thought up an insult and a nag rolled into one.

"I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you" he said in a strange calm voice that made Lister slightly scared.

"For what?" he asked reluctantly.

"FOR SENDING US ALL INTO THE FLAMING GATES OF OBLIVION WHERE AWAITS A HORRID, LENGHTY, PAIN LADEN DEATH FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US" He screamed, making Lister fall off the table where he'd been perched and tried to crawl out of the way of Rimmer's wrath. For a second, there was silence except for Rimmer's erratic breathing and gentle hum of Stabugs engines, there was no sound.

"Sos" said Lister meekly.

"SOS!" mocked Rimmer, burying his head in his hands "you've sent us into the deep dark abyss of the unknown, where our survival is about as likely as a Swedish person causing a riot and all you can say is….SOS!"

"Must you yell so loud, Sir?" interrupted Kryten waddling in through the doors, "any louder and I shall have to change my ears again" he tutted and then noticed Lister sat on the floor, looking very sheepish.

"Mr Lister" he fussed "don't sit on that part of the floor, I haven't had chance to mop it yet" He then pulled Lister onto his feet, swept the dust from his jacket and straightened his hat in one swift motion.

"Have you and Cat finished checking the ship for damages?" barked Rimmer, still glaring at Lister.

"Yes, sir" replied Kryten, nervously twisting his hands. An angry Rimmer always sent his fear chip into over drive, the memory of him persuading Kryten to clean the garbage pod from the inside, before he shot it out into space was still fresh in the mechanoid's mind.

"And?" snapped Rimmer, folding his arms behind his back.

"Only one single failing on board the craft, Sir" announced Kryten proudly "and it's easily dealt with"

"What is it?" asked Lister, just wanting to be involved in the conversation rather then be on the receiving end of Rimmer's 'i'm pissed off and i'm having a great time showing it' glare.

"The drinks dispenser keeps giving out Pepsi instead of Fanta"

"Oh it always does that, that's normal," said Lister,

"Then I am pleased to announce that I have found no damage caused to the ship"

"And what about the Cat?" asked Rimmer, there was a note of panic in his voice, surly the Cat had found something good enough for him to be shouted at.

"He's still inspecting all the 'reflective objects' and mirrors as we speak"

"And his report is?" queried Rimmer, staring at Kryten through dangerously narrowed eyes.

Kryten coughed "damn, I'm looking fine today!"

Lister laughed, that was typical of Cat, they were stuck floating around in the middle of no where, with little chance of every getting back, and he still put 'looking good' top of his list of priorities.

"I don't know what you're laughing at, Lister" said Rimmer, voice dripping with contempt "it's your fault we're in this mess in the first place"

"Come' on Rimmer" sighed Lister "think of it as an adventure, you read all those crappy books about war, about bravely going into the unknown, you should try it some time, Could be an adventure!"

"Lister, unlike you I'm proud not to possess a mind which when faced with a big, roaring mass of machinery full of cogs, and other various sharp pieces of metal churning about at a high speed, wonders 'what will happen if I stick my hand in it'. Sound familiar?" smiled Rimmer.

"I'd never do that," said Lister returning the sarcastic smile "cos I learnt me lesson from last time I did it!"

"Oh shame" breathed Rimmer "for a moment there I thought you'd learnt something!"

"Shut up" hissed Lister.

"Sirs" clucked Kryten, "I hate to interrupt your heated debate, but there's a planet up ahead!"

"So?" chorused Rimmer and Lister, staring at the mechanoid.

"It has a breathable atmosphere and is inhabited"

Rimmer let out an excited gasp, and his mouthed prepared to say "al-" but he was cut off.

"You even breathe the word 'aliens' and I'll ram my fist so far up your arse you'll be chewing my finger nails" snarled Lister, curling his hands into fists as a visual aid. Rimmer said nothing, but scowled, he walked out of the cockpit, closing the door behind him, before screaming at the top of his hologramatic lungs "ALIENS" before running away.

Lister moved to run after him, but Kryten grabbed the back of his shirt, "Sir, now is not the best time for your childish antics. We've got bigger problems on our hands!" Lister wrenched his shirt free of Kryten grip and straightening his jacket.

"Like what?" he asked,

"We're very low on supplies, and I'm not quite sure how to phrase this but…."

"Spill it," ordered Lister,

"I can't!" sobbed the mechanoid, squirming.

"Kryters! Spill it NOW!"

"The planet down there is inhabited by people!"

Lister dived past the mechanoid, and tapped a few buttons; a microscopic bustling city filled the screen. People!

"Smeg, you're right, there's people down there" he gave a whoop of delight and turned to Kryten "why's that a bad thing?"

Kryten let out a strangled wail "I know what you're like with women, sir" he cried, "you'll find some large cheasted, long legged, tiny waisted _female_ and get shacked up with her!"

"I know" grinned Lister "great isn't it!"

Kryten said nothing,

"Okay, lets take a closer look" smiled Lister, steering Starbug into the planets orbit, whilst Rimmer was singing 'aliens' in a variety of voices behind the closed cockpit door.


	2. Crash Landings

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: Hello again. I was so happy to receive such positive feedback so quickly after posting that I nearly spontaneously combusted (I didn't, my mum has cream carpets. Nuff said!). Thanks to all you cool peeps who reviewed and to those that read but (sob) did NOT review…WHY?…WHATS YOUR PROMBLEM…DO YOU ENJOY MAKING ME CRY?

Oh, and as a final note, thank you Lucid 3 days, who gave me a pat on the head :)

* * *

Rimmer sat on his bunk, glowering moodily at the room he was in. He thought things were going to get better after he'd got a hard light body, it meant he could touch things, it meant theoretically, he could hit Lister or at the very least throw something at him, then run away very quickly. Something that he was very good at.

But nothing had got better, in fact it'd got a lot worse.

At least while they were on the 'Dwarf' there was the safety of a huge ship, where if 'alone time' was needed it was easily accessible. There were seldom places on board Starbug where you could go to be alone, and this was what was driving Rimmer up the wall. He wasn't a social person; he didn't crave the hustle and bustle of wild parties, his heart didn't flutter in excitement at the thought of a room full of strangers all waiting for him to get to know them. Quite the opposite in fact.

Before Rimmer could advance any further with his 'I hate death' session, a huge force rocked the ship, the lights flickered, and Lister's guitar fell to the floor with a bang. Rimmer couldn't help but smirk.

"Thank you!" he mouthed to the big guy upstairs before running to the cockpit. Starbug continued to turn, and spin and shake as Rimmer ran down the corridor, he eventually reached the cock pit door, but before he could open it Starbug gave one last tremendous jolt, coupled with an almightily crash, which indicated they'd landed, perhaps not a gracefully as first intended. Rimmer was knocked off on impact, and was currently pulling himself upright.

"Lister?" he croaked "are you dead?"

Lister came tumbling out of the cockpit, looking dazed, but miraculously unscathed.

"No" he replied, checking for cuts and bruises.

"Crap" cursed Rimmer. He paused, allowing Lister to get himself together, before launching into his lecture.

"Why did we crash?"

Lister groaned, "It wasn't my fault"

Rimmer let out a laugh "I beg to differ as YOU were the one steering the craft! What really happened?"

"We hit somethin'" replied Lister, moving bits of debris and twisted metal about on the floor with his toe.

"What? What did we hit?" squealed Rimmer angrily, although secretly his was in heaven. Lister had screwed up big time, twice in one day…that must add up to nearly 2 months of constant nagging. The JOY!

"A tree!"

"You hit a tree" screamed Rimmer, "you idiotic smeg head, how could you miss a tree!"

"It was the tree's fault!" protested Lister "he didn't give way!"

Rimmer blinked at him a few times, with an expressionless look upon his face. "What did you expect the tree to do, Lister?" he asked, smirking "suddenly sprout legs, and run away. I think it's time someone told you trees don't do that!"

Lister stared at him for a few minutes, thinking up a decent comeback "they do in 'Lord of the Rings'"

"Yes Lister, and also in 'Lord of the Rings' they had Hobbits, trolls and a magical ring that makes you invisable. I shall have to put a date down in my diary. '12 o clock, explain to Lister the differences between reality and fantasy, cancel all other arrangements as this discussion is likely to last several millennia"

"You _never_ know when to shut up do you?" retorted Lister, sliding a piece of metal towards Rimmer, who snarled and prepared for full scale argument, or at least he would have, had Kryten not chosen that moment to come out of the cockpit.

He was wearing what could only be described as a mechanoid frown.

"You're arguing again! We've just crash landed, escaped death by the narrowest of narrow margins and somehow you still find the time and the energy to argue over trivial things. Surely that deserves a medal of some kind!" Kryten sighed and walked back into the cockpit. Lister pulled his tongue out a Rimmer before following.

"Any reported damages?" he asked, moving several empty beer cans from his seat.

"No, sir." Answered Kryten.

"So we can lift off then," grinned Lister, starting the engines.

"No, I'm afraid we can't sir."

The engine gave a racking cough, before dying. Lister stared at the mechanoid.

"But…but you just said"

Kryten looked guilty, "I know what I said sir, and the reason I said we had no reported damages is because the damage report machine is…well damaged, so that means it can't report any damages, meaning if we rely solely on the damage report machines analysis, then we have no damages as it has reported none as it is itself damaged." He gave a grin, and continued clearing up the cockpit.

Lister collapsed back in his chair "Kryten" he said slowly "it would have been _far, far_ easier for you just to have said 'Yes, there are some damages' in the first place!"

Cat came bursting into the cockpit; "Thank god" he whooped, "The mirrors are fine!"

"Oh hurrah" breathed Lister, sarcastically "come on Cat, we've got to do a manual damage check on the whole ship!"

The Cat laughed, "Ooohh, that's funny man, me doing work, classic! What a joke!"

"Cat" said Lister, shaking his head "I wasn't jokin'!"

The Cats grin slipped from his face, before he shrieked, "you expect ME to do work?"

Lister and Kryten nodded.

"I can't work," wailed the Cat "do you have any idea what work does to my manicure…it wrecks it. I might as well by a knuckle draggin' caveman with nails like that!"

"Please, Cat" begged Lister, taking his jacket off "a little hard work never killed anyone"

"That's precisely right" nodded the cat "but why should I take the risk, knowing my luck I'd the first guy to be killed by hard work!"

"Sirs, might I suggest that we have a look round the nearby town, perhaps gather some tools and other necessary equipment for the repair of the ship"

Lister quickly agreed, anything to put off fixing the ship, and who was he to pass up some social interaction.

"I'll go get smeghead then!" he grinned, walking out of the cockpit.

* * *

For Rimmer, it was quite strange to see sunlight filtering in through Starbug's windows. He was so absorbed in watching the unusual spectacle, he barely noticed Lister coming in.

"Did you knock my guitar over?" he asked, snatching his prized possession off the floor as if it were acid.

Rimmer did his best to conceal his jump; "No" he said quickly "it fell over in the crash!"

Lister made a serious of noises, similar to a cat hissing "and you didn't pick it up?"

"It was in the middle of the crash, what was I supposed to do, stop to pick up that lump of rotting wood rather then run away from danger?"

"Yes!" nodded Lister, angrily, running his fingers across the shiny wood, tracing possible scratches or knocks, "I don't care if the whole ships on fire, or if the Zero-G cheerleaders are having a lap dancing contest, if you are ever left alone with my guitar, you see that it's safe, and that it can't come to any harm!"

Rimmer's mouth hung open, and his eyes were glazed over. "You've got BIG problems, you know that?" he managed to say eventually.

Lister felt now was a good time to change the subject.

"We're goin' on a little 'expedition' there's a town nearby, wanna come?"

"No" replied Rimmer moodily.

"Come on" urged Lister, "it'll be good for you, get some fresh air?"

"That sounds absolutely lovely, but I'm a hologram nitwit, I don't need air"

"Then just come for a walk man, have a break from the ship"

"Why, I can stay here and not breathe the ships air rather then not breathe the air out there!"

Lister frowned "so, that's a definite no!"

"Yes" smiled Rimmer, "no, I mean, no to…yes to…I'm confused!"

"Me too" huffed Lister.

Rimmer's mouth became thin, "fine, I'll come!"

He couldn't understand it; he had a feeling, a premonition. Something deep down, told him if he didn't go, he'd regret it.

At that precise moment, Rimmer didn't know it, but his decision would completely alter his outlook on life…well death.


	3. I found you

**Sunrise over the Tango factory's A/N**: Hey there! It's nearly christmas (blows horn) and here is a new chapter. I wrote this with some very help (raging tree trunk take a bow babe!) and also big ups to my other mate Nic, who's a very talented writer (140 pages, that's talent...) and she's always brilliant, offers wonderful comments and keeps me sane...ish :) Peace out. Sunrise.  
**p.s:** read, enjoy, review....please

* * *

As they stood in the middle of the bustling market, Rimmer had a strange feeling. Shivers were sent down his spine, and he could swear something was going to happen. What it was, and whether it was good or bad, he couldn't yet tell, but something was going to happen.

"Kryten" asked Lister, eyeing up the people rushing about, thankful none of them were noticing the mechanoid "d'you know where we are yet?"

"According to my database, sir we're on Mars."

"Mars?" repeated the Cat, dumbstruck "as in the chocolate bar!"

"Yeah-" nodded Lister, "this planet was named after the chocolate bar!"

Rimmer groaned, "I'm surrounded by idiots" he yelled before walking off.

"What's up with him?" frowned Lister, watching Rimmer disappear into the crowd of people.

"Apparently, sir" offered Kryten "he's surrounded by idiots!"

Lister nodded, but by the time his brain had registered what had been said and had made his mouth say "Oi" Rimmer had gone.

He was currently striding through the market place, ignoring everyone. It was quite daunting, seeing all those people. He'd become accustomed to seeing Red Dwarf 'people free' so seeing large amounts of people was surprising and if not a little unsettling.

'This place isn't so bad' thought Rimmer, as he spotted rows of shops, that thankfully looked less crowded then the market.

He carried on moving his way through the crowd, till he reached a place less busy then the rest of the square, he turned round, expecting to Lister, Kryten and Cat following him, instead he saw a horde of people and no Lister, no Kryten and no Cat.

'How selfish can you get' thought Rimmer, walking ahead but still looking backwards in the hope they'd suddenly appear 'I waltz off on a strange planet and they don't even have the common decency to follow me! How rude!' He was jolted from his grumbling when he banged into someone,

"Sorry" he gabbled, taking hold of their arm in an apologetic way.

When that person looked up, Rimmer found himself staring into the deep green eyes of someone he once knew.

"Elizabeth?" he whispered.

For one fearful second Rimmer wondered whether he'd got the wrong person, because the women frowned, scrutinising his face.

"Arnold!" cried Elizabeth, beaming broadly at him.

It was her, Rimmer suddenly realised he was smiling too, he glanced at her. She'd changed a bit, well a lot but it was for the better. Rimmer would never have thought it possible, but she was more beautiful now then when she was 13.

For a moment or two, they just stood there, smiling at each other politely, then Elizabeth began laughing, she threw herself round Rimmer's shoulders, clasping her arms tightly round him. At first Rimmer was a bit shocked, but he shook it off. He found himself drawing her closer, like he never wanted her to leave again, she then did something that nearly made Rimmer faint with happiness.

She kissed him on the lips and within seconds Rimmer was kissing back.

Across the square, Lister and Cat were sat by the fountain.

"Hey" exclaimed Cat suddenly "Old goalpost heads being mugged!" Lister quickly stood up, there he saw Rimmer with a pretty girl clamped to his shoulders, laughing and smiling and doing anything but mugging him.

"No Cat" he said, sitting back down, but still watching Rimmer with increased interest "that's called a hug, you give it to someone you like"

There was a thoughtful pause from Cat before he eventually said, "You and me like each other right?"

Lister shrugged "We get on alright!"

"Then why don't we hug?" demanded the Cat. Lister stared at him with raised eyebrows,

"Because giving another guy a hug in public is a sure way of sendin' your macho-ness straight down to zero!"

"But we've hugged when we've been drunk" said the Cat, looking very confused.

"Yeah but you hug anything and everything when your drunk. I can remember hugging post boxes when I've been out of me head."

"Hello chaps" came a voice in front of them. It was Rimmer, his smile was a mile wide, and he looked like nothing whatsoever could dampen his spirits.

Lister grinned back at him, "You okay, look a little excited about summat?"

Rimmer tactfully ignored his question, "Listen, I've got something to pick up, so I'll meet you back at Starbug tonight, okay?"

"Would this 'something' be tall, brown hair, cute smile and a fantastic pair of tits?" asked Lister, leaning past Rimmer to see Elizabeth standing a few metres away, her face flushed with pleasure

Rimmer frowned "they called breasts, Lister, and no it is not Elizabeth who I'm picking up, in fact I've forgotten about her!"

Lister winked at him "sure, Rimmer whatever you say" He stood up, and made to leave but instead yelled out "Hi Lizzy!" at the top of his voice.

Elizabeth looked up, and waved back, but wore a face that clearly said 'who the hell is he?'

"Stop it," hissed Rimmer, "do you want to embarrass me?" Lister opened his mouth to reply. "On second thoughts" interjected Rimmer "don't answer that!"

Lister suddenly became very serious "look man, this is the girl of your dreams, get in there! Me, Cat and Kryten won't cramp your style" he patted Rimmer on the back "meet you back at the 'bug at 7? Okay?"

Rimmer nodded, feeling if he opened his mouth, he'd begin singing. He ran back over to Elizabeth, who was still smiling.

"Do you know them?" she asked, gesturing at Lister and Cat who were making kissing noises,

Rimmer fought the urge to laugh, "No" he said, "never seen before in my life!" Elizabeth held his hand, "coffee?" she asked sweetly,

"Love to" Rimmer replied.

As they sat in a small coffee bar, Rimmer suddenly remembered something. He was dead. If there was something to test a relationship, being dead would be a biggie.

Rimmer coughed, and placed his hand on Elizabeth's "I've got something to tell you, and you might find it quite upsetting..."

"Your gay?" she cried, earning looks from the other customers.

"No, No!" said Rimmer quickly, he paused "why, D'you think I am? Cos i'm not if that's what you mean, i'm a straight as a...very straight ruler!"

Elizabeth sighed, "sorry" she whispered, "What is it?"

Rimmer took a deep breathe "I'm...dead!" He watched in horror as her eyes widened, and her mouth dropped open. he looked out of the window, anything to cover up his embarrassment.

"You look good for a deadie!" she teased.

Rimmer breathed a sigh of relief "so you don't mind?"

Elizabeth took hold of his hand, and wrapped her fingers round it "I've found you, why should I care about anything as long as i'm with you?"

"Marry me," moaned Rimmer, kissing her passionately,

As Rimmer broke away from the kiss, he noticed Elizabeth was looking a little upset.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, panic flowing through him, had he done something wrong, was he a crap kisser?

"No, well yeah, but it's stupid really..." she mumbled, tucking her brown hair behind her ear, "it's just, we won't be able to have kids because your.... passed away!"

If this had been any other girl, Rimmer would have been running out of there quicker then a nun in a sex shop. Talk of commitment, marriage and kids so early in a relationship scared the hell out of him, but because it was Elizabeth, he felt different.

He took hold of her hand and led her round the table, and perched her on top of his knee.

"I can sort that out," he whispered, embracing her sweetly.

"You can?" she said, looking surprised but happy.

Rimmer nodded " I live on a spacecraft, on it there lives the last human being, who is so childish even hyperactive toddlers have told him to grow up. He's just like a kid, only taller and drinks and smokes and stuff! Would that do?"

Elizabeth laughed, "Now you put it like that, who needs kids?"

* * *

Lister yawned, and rubbed his face, leaving a large smear of oil down his cheek. Kryten came out of Starbug, and waddled over to where he stood.

"Any success sir?" he asked, handing him a beer.

Lister gave him fleeting look that clearly said 'are you havin' a laugh'

"it's useless, I've been at it for 4 hours now, and I've got nowhere!" he puffed, kicking the various spare parts and wires gathering around his feet like vines. "It's a complete write off!

"Here sir" grinned Kryten, passing the tray he'd been carrying to a shocked Lister, he then scrambled beneath the bug, and omitted sounds of banging, turning and welding, before scrambling out again. "Fixed!" he announced proudly, producing out of nowhere a yellow duster and began wiping the oil off his arms.

"Beginners luck," hissed Lister, shoving the tray back to him,

There was the sound of twigs cracking behind him as Rimmer emerged from the woods.

"Hey" smiled Lister, tripping over piping in his haste to find out the gossip off Rimmer "did you shag her or not?" he asked excitedly. It was at that point, that Elizabeth came out from behind a tree, grinning wickedly after hearing his comment, "Hello, Lister" she grinned.

He froze, "Hi" he replied, backing off "listen if you need me, I'll be...bye" and he rushed off, back inside the bug.

"Amazing..."breathed Rimmer "you sent Lister running off scared...are you perfect or what?"

"I am when i'm with you" she hushed, kissing him on the lips.


	4. Crying my heart out

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: Just a quick note, cheers for those who reviewed: lucid-03-days, cazflibs, kippersvindaloo and SnkNJak! You all rock! Huggles for each and everyone of you! :)Enjoy.  
**Warning: the following chapter includes scenes of an upsetting nature; people (women mainly) who are overly hormonal should have a large quality of tissues nearby as well as a large bar of chocolate. This is an order! (don't you just love me, i'm giving you an excuse to eat chocolate!)**

* * *

The next morning, Rimmer received some bad news.

"We've got to go…" he repeated, feeling his heart (or what would be the hologramatic equivalent of his heart) crack.

Lister felt unbearably guilty, the way Rimmer looked the night before was still fresh in his mind.

He looked so happy; he'd found someone he'd waited so long for.

They'd been brought back together again, and now he was being told he had to leave.

Kryten was near short-circuiting with his guilt "I'm terribly sorry sir, but if we wait around here any longer, Red Dwarf could be out of our scanning range…"

Rimmer went quiet before finally answering in a hoarse whisper "it's hardly like we're going to miss a dirty, big spaceship like the 'dwarf' are we? It's huge; we'll spot it miles off, if we could just stay for one more night…"

His voice was tinged with desperation, last night Elizabeth had agreed to go on a date with him.

It was, if you looked at it properly, rather pointless as both of them loved the other, it was merely a chance for them to feel like a real couple.

Rimmer had been dreaming of this since he was 13, he couldn't have his dream taken from him, not now, not after he'd found Elizabeth again. He couldn't bare it.

Kryten lowered his eyes, anything to avoid Rimmer's devestated look "I'm sorry sir, but we still have to go!"

Rimmer turned his back on them, and wrapped his arms round his shoulders as if protecting himself from the harsh outside world. He hadn't felt this awful in a long time, it was as if a large part of him had been torn from his body, he felt if left without seeing Elizabeth again, he'd need to be switched off, because the pain would be that insufferable, death would come as a relief.

Lister was the only one out them that knew partly what Rimmer was going through. He was the only one who'd been told about Rimmer's previous relationship with Elizabeth as teenagers.

He'd sat there and listened to the hologram relive every heart breaking moment, right up until the point when he realised, he'd lost Elizabeth seemingly forever.

Lister knew what it felt like to be madly in love with someone who could never be obtained. He felt he'd come to know Rimmer a lot better, and finally understood why he renounced affection of any kind, why he never let his heart do the talking, because since the age of 13, his heart had belonged to Elizabeth.

Lister could only begin to imagine what it must be like to hold someone in your arms that you'd pined for, only to have them wrenched from you, and then to rub salt in the wound to be told you've got to leave, without even saying goodbye.

'Not if I have anything to do with it' thought Lister, his hand sneaked out and discreetly tipped over a full can of larger all over the console, making it spit, fume and emit tiny sparks as the bubbly liquid dripped in through gaps and drowned it's circuit boards.

"Oh crap!" he exclaimed making everyone turn round "I've just knocked my larger all over the console" he paused, and shrugged his shoulders in a 'oh dear, well accidents do happen' way, he then caught Rimmer's eye "looks like we'll have to stay here a week...at least!"

He couldn't help feeling a tiny flicker of satisfaction when Rimmer suddenly beamed at him and mouthed 'thank you'.

"I hate to correct you sir, but I'm sure I could fix the console in under say…4 hours" said Kryten, moving the now empty can out of the way.

"No" said Lister slowly turning to face him, "it'll take a week…"

Kryten shook his head "it'll only take 4 hours"

"A week!" said Lister forcefully, glaring at the mechanoid.

Kryten grimaced, he hated having to correct humans, it made him seem so pompous "sir, I assure you it would only take me 4 hours…" Lister came close to the mechanoid's face, and said frowning.

"It. Will. Take. A. WEEK!"

There was a pause, before Kryten spoke up "is this what you could call 'taking a hint'?"

Lister nodded.

"You know" sighed Kryten, leaning close to inspect the fizzing console "the more I think about it, this console will take a least a week to fix" he then shot Lister a easily visible theatrical wink. Lister groaned, dragging his hands down his face in exasperation.

"Lister" said Rimmer somewhat coldly, "a word please" before walking out of the cockpit.

"Actually" stammered Lister; quickly after jumping to the conclusion of what this 'word' would be about "I've got stuff to sort out here!"

"NOW!" shouted Rimmer,

Lister groaned, and reluctantly followed the hologram.

"See you in 5 buddy" grinned the Cat supportively

"Don't bother" murmured Lister "I'll be dead in 3."

* * *

Lister found Rimmer sat on the grass outside, staring into the canopy of the trees that surrounded the clearing; he had his back to Starbug.

Lister cleared his throat to grab his attention.

"Sit down" ordered Rimmer, without even looking at him. Lister did as he was told; something about the way Rimmer was acting told him to go against his wishes was foolish.

A moment of silence existed between them, the birds were twittering and the mid morning sun was warming the clearing, it was have been the ideal situation for Lister, had he not been on tenterhooks.

Rimmer finally spoke "I'd like to thank you for what you did back there…"

Lister frowned "Why, what did I do?" he lied,

Rimmer looked at him for the first time since they left cockpit "don't play dumb, Lister"

"I'm not playing dumb, I really did knock over me can of larger over the part of the console we need the most…it was an accident" he paused, chewing his lip "oh stuff it" he groaned, "I did on purpose. Smeg you've waited long enough for her, you deserve at least one date with Elizabeth"

Rimmer looked uneasy "I don't think I'll go" he mumbled

"What!" Lister screamed, causing several birds that were nesting in the trees to fly off, squawking and jabbering in distress.

"What if when she gets to know me better, she might hate me…"

Lister found himself taking hold of Rimmer's shoulders and shaking them much to his surprise, "I've just made it so we're stuck here for another week, you are going on that date if I have to drag you there meself!"

"Can you stop shaking me now?" asked Rimmer "I think my head might fall off…"

"Sorry, man," said Lister, allowing the grateful hologram to drop to the floor.

"You love her don't you?" he asked, staring at Rimmer, who lowered his head. "Come on man, answer the smeggin' question"

"Yes" Rimmer replied, smiling.

"Then get out there, and work a bit of that 'Rimmer magic!"

Rimmer stood up, chest puffed out, head held high, and he went to march off, but stopped

"I can't," he said,

"And why not?" demanded Lister, annoyed to see what little effect his counselling was doing.

"The date doesn't start for another 9 hours"

Lister paused "my mistake…"

* * *

It was raining when Rimmer arrived at the restaurant, he was a few minutes late, but he hoped it wouldn't matter. He walked in through the doors and instantly spotted Elizabeth, she looked beautiful, dressed in a rose pink dress, and she'd let her hair down it rested on her shoulders in playful curls.

Rimmer suddenly felt very nervous. People were bound to question what was a gorgeous, intelligent woman like Elizabeth was doing with a slime ball like him.

Once Rimmer's paranoia decided to take a ride on his train of thought, it was difficult to persuade it to get off, it clamped itself to the inside of his head, occasional spitting out another thought up catastrophy usually filled with severe embarrassment and shame.

Instead of carrying on walking to Elizabeth's table, Rimmer quickly sat at another, it was positioned perfectly, he could see Elizabeth but she couldn't see him.

'I'll wait here, prepare myself, I'll only be here a few minutes then I'll go over' thought Rimmer.

A few minutes became half an hour, he watched dry mouthed, as Elizabeth got more and more flustered, glancing at her watched, gazing out of the window, tucking her hair behind her ears, tearing her napkin into tiny confetti like pieces.

Each time Rimmer stood up to go over, his well-fed paranoia piped up 'what do you think you're doing?' it laughed, 'she doesn't want you, sit back down and leave her to enjoy her meal without being nauseated by you…' So Rimmer would sit down, vowing to himself next time, next time he'd make it to the table.

This happened 14 times, each time his paranoia became bigger and bigger, showing him various slides of what would happen if he talked to Elizabeth, each one was worst then the last: Elizabeth telling him to shove off, Elizabeth slapping him across the face, Elizabeth throwing her drink in his face, Elizabeth trying to stab him to death with her fork and perhaps the worst Elizabeth saying she hated him…

Of course none of these events were ever likely to happen, but try telling Rimmer's paranoia that.

After 3 agonizing hours, Elizabeth stood up, grabbed her coat and marched out of the restaurant, wiping tears out of her massacred eyes. Rimmer watched her go with baited breath, he was longing to stand up and shout 'Elizabeth wait', but instead his paranoia laughed ' just don't have the balls to deal with women do you' it teased.

Rimmer stared out into the rainy night, his eyes locked on the departing figure of Elizabeth who despite the storm that was raging, was walking slowly across to the market square, even at this distance it was easy to see she was distraught.

Rimmer didn't know what to do, the only thing that seemed plausible was to cry, and that was what he did…he cried non-stop until the maitre de asked him to leave…some 4 hours later, and was still crying when he got back to Starbug.


	5. Regrets

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: Yes, I know you all must think I'm _incredibly _sad to be posting a chapter on Boxing day, but it was either this or have a conversation why my family…I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have reviewed, it fills me with an overwhelming sense of joy to see 'review alert' in my inbox.  
I'd also like to apologise for the lack of slash, readers of 'Alter U (a lar-ton story, me and my mate Raging tree trunk, a writing partnership that send the Devil cowering under a table). So for those who are reading this expecting something along the lines of 'Alter-U' I'm sorry, but the following chapter does include some 'action'!

* * *

"I'm such an arse," moaned Rimmer, pulling at his hair.

"For once we agree on somethin'," said Lister, trying his best to lighten the moment. His efforts proved useless, as Rimmer just sat on his bunk, and stared blankly at the wall.

"I can't believe I just sat there and watched her be stood up…by me, why didn't I just go over, what was the worse that could have happened, would it have been that bad?" he said eventually

Lister was gazing longingly at the open door; he wasn't cut out for long, in depth psychiatric sessions with mentally scarred holograms. He wasn't a Dr. Freud clone; other people's problems bored him, unless they were filled with sex, violence and intricate love triangles, then they stopped being problems and they became a cheap budget soap opera.

Rimmer's problems weren't filled with sex, violence and intricate love triangles; they were just a big swirling void of anxiety and reminiscence.

"It was a pretty stupid thing to do" sighed Lister, getting up and stretching his legs, "I mean, you just sat there, watching the poor girl's heart break in two, and you didn't try, well you tried but it wasn't proper trying, more of half hearted trying, like when…"

"You're just a fountain of constant reassurance and support, aren't you Lister?" snapped Rimmer, before standing up,

"Where you goin'?" asked Lister, startled by the sudden change in Rimmer's mood.

Rimmer turned to look at Lister, his face set in determination "I'm going to get the women I love back…"

"Who?" asked Lister, genuinely confused.

"Elizabeth, you short termed memory loss goit!" shouted Rimmer, having walked out of his quarters, ready to bed for Elizabeth's forgiveness.

Luckily for Rimmer, he was good at memorising things, unless it was to do with exams; in fact he considered it to be a successful time if he could just remember what room he'd been sitting the exam in.

Whilst they were having coffee, the conversation naturally turned to what the over had been doing these last years. Rimmer wasn't forthcoming with his life story; he kept his answers short, preferring to listen to Elizabeth talk about herself, she had the power of enchanting Rimmer, he'd could sit there for hours, watching her mouth moving, captivated by the sound of her voice.

She'd mentioned how she was an architect, and was currently working on the new Bedford Bank building (which she had designed), so that was were Rimmer had to go…

* * *

Rimmer's mouth dropped to the floor when he laid eyes on the Bedford Bank building, it was a towering structure of elaborate metal, that dominated the street on which it sat.

"She designed that!" murmured Rimmer, looking the building up and down, "I can't even build a house out of Lego…smeg!"

He cautiously entered in through the glass revolving doors, pieces of timber, metal, glass and other items of an industrial nature were scattered on the floor. A man, who obviously was working here, was stood, ticking off something on a clipboard.

"Excuse me" smiled Rimmer; trying to be polite "does Elizabeth Evens work here?"

Without even looking up, the man nodded "8th floor"

That was all Rimmer needed to go, he headed towards the stairs.

After 25 minutes none stop climbing, Rimmer felt like tying the smart arse who said 'nah, who needs a lift? Stairs are fun!' to some train tracks and watching him squirm as the 10.50 train came zipping along at 250mph.

He never knew so many stairs could be shoved into one building. He couldn't help laughing when he finally reached the 8th floor.

It was dark and unwelcoming, still being plastered; a single light glowed at the end of the vast room, with a figure checking over blueprints,

"Elizabeth?" Rimmer asked, walking towards her.

She jumped at the sound of his voice; she gave him a brief look

"Go away…" Elizabeth hissed, turning her back on him, Rimmer knew it was bad, he could tell by the sound of her voice,

"Elizabeth" he begged "please let me explain"

"There's nothing to explain," she snapped, shooting him a venomous glare "you. Stood. Me. Up!"

"I didn't" cried Rimmer, knowing it was the crappiest of all crap excuses.

Elizabeth forced a laugh, "well what else do you call leaving me to sit alone for nearly 4 hours in restaurant" she went quiet, her teary eyes bore deep into his soul, Rimmer could virtually feel her gaze tearing him in two. "I thought you were different," she said softly, "I thought you'd be the one to make me smile again, but you're just like all the others" she wiped her eyes, and stalked off.

Rimmer watched her go; he was just preparing himself to walk off when a voice tore out of his mouth

"I was at the restaurant last night" he said, making Elizabeth stop dead in her tracks,

"What?" she said, turning round to look him in the eye.

"I was there" he repeated, trying to ignore the hundred or so snakes that were trying to forced their way out of his stomach. "I went in, and I saw you at your table, and" he paused, closing his eyes and reliving the moment "you looked so...so indescribably stunning, and perfect, then I suddenly wondered why the hell should I be with you. You're so special, so unique and clever, you deserve someone better then me…so I just and watched you all night, and when you left, I cried. I just kept thinking of how much I'd hurt you, and if I wasn't already dead" he sighed, looking straight at Elizabeth through blurry eyes, "I'm sure I would have died through crying…"

He shook his head miserably, and turned to leave. His arm was grabbed by Elizabeth, who spun him round and wrapped her arm securely round his shoulders, and buried her head deep into his chest. She held him tightly, letting out racking sobs.

"I love you," she stammered,

Rimmer smiled down at her, "I love you too" he hushed, taking hold of her face, and kissing her gently on the lips.

* * *

Lister walked towards his quarters, slightly confused as to why the door was shut,

'Kryten properly closed it' he thought as it slid opem. Once inside it took him a few seconds to figure out why the door was closed.

He ran quickly out the room, remembering to close it behind him.

He stumbled into the cockpit where the others were trying to fix the damaged console, and leant heavily against the door, shaking.

Cat and Kryten turned round to investigate the source of the noise.

"Mr. Lister?" asked Kryten concerned.

"What's the matter buddy?" asked the Cat "you look like you've seen a ghost..."

Lister shook his head "no, it was much, much worse?" he stammered,

"2 ghosts?" offered the Cat,

"No" dismissed Lister, shaking his head

"3 ghosts?"

"THERE WEREN'T ANY SMEGGIN GHOSTS!" shouted Lister, sliding down the door, and sitting on the floor, drawing his knees to his chest.

"No ghosts?" hissed the Cat "how boring! For a moment then I thought it was something interesting!"

"What was it then" asked Kryten.

"A zombie?" asked Cat.

"Shut up!" chorused Kryten and Lister.

"Sir, what on earth was it that has disturbed you in such a way?" asked Kryten

Lister took a deep breath, wondering if he was daring enough to even speak of what he saw. "I think I just walked on Rimmer having sex…"

Kryten froze, staring blankly at the wall, whilst Cat opened his mouth but no words came out.

"s...sex?" he spluttered, "actual sex, with like a real person…a real woman?"

"Yeah" nodded Lister still shook up by the whole idea"

"I gotta go see this," grinned the Cat, standing up.

"Eh?" yelled Lister, standing up

"People pay hundreds for videos of aliens, imagine how much we'd get for a video of Rimmer having actual sex…"

"Please" begged Lister, stopping the Cat from leaving "never ever, ever mention this again please, I'd like to die with at least half of my mind not plagued by mentally disturbing images…"

"Sorry" said the Cat, Lister nodded, trying to think of something else, trying to take his mind off what he saw

"Did you see anything?" asked the Cat eagerly,

"SHUT UP!"


	6. The Uncertain future

Sunrise over the tango factory A/N: Hello, yes it's me again, I was only going to write a bit of this today, but I sent some to my mate Raging tree Trunk, and she demanded more and more, so I thought, I might as well finish it, and also because cazflibs threatened me with a stick…

Rimmer sat up in his bunk, despite the fact he was dead, he felt warm and contented, he was so happy he could barely speak, the reason for his happiness was sat across the room, combing her hair, singing softly.

Elizabeth had clearly not heard him wake, so he crept out of bed, tiptoed across the room and grabbed her by the waist, making her squeal in surprise.

"You GIT!" she laughed, hitting him with her hairbrush,

"Mmm" sighed Rimmer, pulling her close "I love it when you talk dirty"

She laughed again, running her hands through Rimmer's hair affectionately, it was at that point Lister entered, he groaned as he spotted the two lovebirds, kissing and cuddling,

"Don't you 2 ever stop" he asked, grabbing something out his locker "you're worse then a couple of rabbits, the way you go at it you'd think sex was bein' outlawed tomorrow..."

"You're just jealous," grinned Rimmer, pecking Elizabeth on the cheek.

Making gagging noises Lister left the room,

"Arnold" said Elizabeth suddenly serious, "what are we going to do now?"

"We can have breakfast or have some more sex if you want it?"

"No, no" said Elizabeth "I mean about the future..."

A switch in Rimmer's head clicked into place 'PANIC, PANIC, PANIC', it flashed. He didn't want to think about the future, not now that his present was so perfect.

"The future?" he repeated,

"Yes" sighed Elizabeth "I mean, what's going to happen..." she stared at him with her green eyes, sending the same old tingling sensation down his spine.

"We stay together of course" he smiled, as if the very idea of a future without Elizabeth was absurd, "that is what you want, isn't it?"

"Yes, I want it more then anything, it's just, how will be together?"

Rimmer's panic attack was now 10 on his panic scale and it looked like it was still rising, "I don't get what you mean?" he answered, voice cracking in alarm.

Elizabeth took a deep breath "it's unfair to ask to either one to leave all that they've built up, it would be unfair of me to ask you to leave all this behind"

Rimmer grabbed hold of her hand and squeezed it "no, Elizabeth, please I don't care, I want to be with you, I'd give up everything I own for you..."

He suddenly realized tears were cascading down his face, his hands were shaking, and a pain in his chest became more intense.

"You can't leave your life," said Elizabeth, taking hold of his face in her gentle hands, and giving him a weak smile.

"I can" Rimmer cried, pulling away, "I don't have a life here, **you're **my life!" he paused, "please, please Elizabeth, don't leave me again, I couldn't bare it, please…" he trailed, off, and buried his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry, Arnold" sobbed Elizabeth, "we've…we've got to, It's the only way…"

"I tried to kill myself because I lost you" Rimmer found himself shouting, "I won't loose you again!"

Elizabeth let out a small gasp, covering her mouth with her hand in shock,

Rimmer instantly regretted it; he didn't want to upset Elizabeth, "I don't want to talk about it, though" he said, turning away.

He was then aware of a hand on his shoulder, Elizabeth's warm and caring touch instantly calmed him, and he turned round, and tried to smile only to discover his face wouldn't allow it.

It was Elizabeth who spoke first "Do you love me?" she asked assertively,

"That's beside the point-" groaned Rimmer,

"Answer the question." she said firmly, looking him in the eye.

"Yes" he answered, wrapping his arms round her waist.

"And you know I love you, don't you?"

"Of course"

Elizabeth wiped her eyes and continued, "Then that's all we need to know…" she gave Rimmer a quick kiss on the cheek. "I've got to go now or otherwise I'll be late for work"

Rimmer nodded, and watched with an aching heart as Elizabeth gathered her things and went to walk out the room.

"Why can't you come with me?" he asked,

She sighed and faced him "I don't know Arnold, I always thought we'd get married- have kids- and grow old together…none of that can happen, not even the marriage, because it is still illegal to marry a dead person, no matter how alive they look. You'll never age, we'll never have kids, and imagine how you'd feel if I died…I couldn't put you through that torment, not again…"

Rimmer could see where she was coming from, but it still didn't stop the pain.

After she'd left, he racked his brains for a solution, Elizabeth wanted kids, well to be more specific she wanted kids with him, but that was never going to happen as being dead can really affect your fertility.

"There's got to be a way," sighed Rimmer, drumming his fingers on the table,

A voice from outside the door broke his thoughts,

"I'm comin' in now, so can you please refrain from sex for 5 minutes whilst I get me guitar?" it was Lister, he walked in with his hand covering his eyes, which he uncovered once in the room, he spotted Rimmer sat at the table, defiantly not having sex.

"Oh thank god" said Lister, relieved "you've stopped! Those bedsprings can't take any more action, Rimmer!" he then noticed his bunkmate, banging his head on the desk.

"Are you alreight?" asked Lister, walking over to him warily.

"No, Lister" sniffed Rimmer "I'm not…"

"Why?"

"Elizabeth says it would be unfair to ask the other leave their lives to go and live with the other one, and also she dearly wanted children and a married life something I can't give her…in short she wants us to split up!"

Lister shook his head "it wouldn't be proper splittin' up, man, it'd be more like a long distance relationship, in fact, it'll be long that when we get back to our correct universe…she'd be dead"

Rimmer groaned, "you're not helping!" he paused "but she wanted kids though, _I _wanted kids, it's so unfair"

Lister thought about this "I could also help her out" he smirked at Rimmer in a jokey way. Rimmer obviously didn't find this funny and glared at Lister,

"Sorry, my idea of joke, I'll shut up now and leave…"

It was only after 5 hours of constant, brain frying thought that Rimmer finally came up with an idea…

"What d'you think?" beamed Rimmer, he'd just told the others his idea and was eagerly awaiting their feedback.

3 traumatized faces stared back at him; it was some time before Lister plucked up the courage to speak.

"It's a.... erm…interesting idea" he managed to get out.

"What?" screeched the Cat, giving Lister a disgusted look, "stop being polite! I think it's the freakiest and most disturbing thing I've heard since someone said 'hey, y'know what would like great with that blue tracksuit a Burberry flat cap!"

Rimmer looked devastated; "so you think it's a bad idea," he said looking at Cat, Kryten and Lister with a pleading expression pasted on his face.

"Yes," cried the Cat, he tutted, humans were so stupid.

Lister clamped his hand over the Cat's mouth, "it's not a bad idea man, it's just…have you thought this through? I mean normally you leave her a bunch of flowers, what you're proposin' to do is just…out of the norm!"

"I want to give her something to remember me by," said Rimmer, looking away saddened.

"Then give her a picture or summat" said the Cat, having pushed Lister's hand out to the way "don't go givin' her -" he was cut off once again by Lister's unorthodox gag.

"When push comes to shove, sir" offered Kryten, patting Rimmer on the back "this is your...err...death, you are the only one who can choose your future, do as you see fit…no doubt you'll screw it up and probably get us all into horrendous trouble, and it will most defiantly result in a week long lecture on how we should never ever, ever let you make your decisions, but we are allowing you to do as you please, and we will stand you, whatever decision you make, 100, sir!"

"Count me in for 0" grinned the Cat, "because I'm in a generous mood today!"

Rimmer smiled at them all, "you've all been very supportive…I think, I'm going to meet up with her tonight, and see what she thinks!" he gave them all a nod, before striding towards the door, "wish me luck" he grinned.

"Good Luck" said Kryten, Cat and Lister in unison, as they watched him walk away.

"You're gonna need it, buddy!" muttered the Cat afterwards.


	7. The answer

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: since about the second chapter, I have been racking my brains to come up with an ending for this story, I wanted it be 'happy' but was fully aware that writing Elizabeth into the story would cause problems. I sat and stared at my bedroom wall, a thousand and one crap story lines racing about my mind, each one crappier then the last, I even (God forgive me) thought about killing Elizabeth, but when I posed the question to raging tree trunk (Liz) she was appalled, and quickly stopped the idea from developing by saying she have me killed in my sleep!  
In a way I am glad as I myself didn't want Elizabeth to die, but annoyed as she had now destroyed my half decent story line (curses). In the end, it was Raging tree trunk who struck on this idea, which shall be expanded on in Chapter 8…I'm going to stop now, or the A/N will be longer then the story…Bye bye. Thanks for the reviews, just tell me what you liked...or (gulp) what you didn't like. :D

* * *

Lister was flicking idly through a magazine, he'd have no doubt read it 151 times maybe more but that wasn't that was stopping him from enjoying his reading time. He found himself watching the clock, counting down the minutes till Rimmer returned after talking to Elizabeth about his 'proposition'.

"This is crazy" he groaned to no one in particular, "I'm worried about the arrogant smeg head, oh Lister man get a grip, you must be having a break down…no I'm not the kind of person who has a mental break down, I'm too strong minded and well balanced…but then again…I _AM_ talking to myself, no scrap that I'm arguin' with myself, that's even worse. Smeg! I'm gonna end up in a loony bin, well I'm going to end in up in _another_ loony bin, straight after I leave this one…"

"Problem, sir?" asked Kryten, leaning in the door clearly intrigued about Lister's one-sided discussion.

"No" said Lister sulkily, knocking the magazine off his bed "just have delusional and disturbin' thoughts and I'm slowly loosin' my mind"

"So everything's normal then," joked Kryten, coming fully into Lister and Rimmer's quarters.

Lister, for the 12th time in as many minutes, turned to look at the clock.

Sensing his tension, Kryten asked, "Everything alright, sir? Only you look a bit preoccupied…"

Lister sat up, "you're gonna think I'm goin' strange, Kryten but…I'm actually concerned about Rimmer"

Whatever Lister was expecting to happen next, be it Kryten screaming in horror, or dragging him to the nearest hospital and demanding a cat scan, nothing could have prepared him for what came.

"Me too!" said Kryten, not in the least bit embarrassed at proclaiming it, "I was that worried about it, I was mopping the same patch of floor for nearly 20 minutes…"

Lister exhaled "what's wrong with us?" he asked, "When did we suddenly became even slightly interested about anything that smeg head did or said?"

"I think it's because we've seen a different side of Arnold J. Rimmer." said Kryten, sitting next to Lister "we've seen how in the presence of Miss Elizabeth, he becomes a calmer, pleasanter, less smeg heady person" he chuckled "you've got to admire a woman that can make Rimmer smile without having to hurt you first!"

Lister nodded, he agreed with what Kryten was saying, when he was with Elizabeth Rimmer a completely different person, it was a bizarre version of Dr. Jeckel and Mr Hyde.

Kryten then left, as he was seriously behind on his cleaning.

Lister found himself pacing the room in anxiousness. He jumped as Rimmer finally returned, the expression he wore on his face gave nothing away.

"How'd it go?" asked Lister, frantic to find out what had happened.

Rimmer sighed, "she said yes!" he screamed. Lister screamed along with him before racing tom him, wrapping one arm around his shoulder, jumping up and down and cheering in celebration. It took a few moments for them both to realise what they were doing, they quickly let go of each other, disguising their awkwardness with coughs.

"So what did she say?" asked Lister,

Rimmer beamed "at first she was just staring at me like I was a nutter-"

"No change there then" laughed Lister

"Shut up you irritating smeg head" said Rimmer, although it wasn't said with his usual venom, he continued, "So I began gabbling about it was a stupid idea and all she had to say was no, but then she sort of smiled at me, and it was then that I knew, she wanted to go ahead with it!"

Lister grinned, "Man, this is great!"

"I know," said Rimmer, "I could hardly believe it when she said 'yes'!"

Lister sighed as Rimmer shook his shoulders excitedly then danced off to the fridges- it really was a madcap idea, but- he was in love. People did mad, crazy, bizarre, wondrous things when they were in love.

It was then Lister realized that Rimmer had touched him. Normally Rimmer would curl his lip in disgust and make some snide comment rather than touch Lister, even if touching him meant he won Vending Machine mechanic of the Year… It just WASN'T done and that was why Lister felt so bad about what he had to say.

"Rimmer man, stop dancin' and listen to me"

Rimmer did no such thing, and to make matters worse, he was singing 'Pretty Women' at the top of his voice.

Lister stroked the edge of his bunk. He'd been in love once. He knew the sort of stuff love made you do, and singing and dancing without any shame was one of them.

The girl he'd loved…he'd do anything for her. He once roller bladed across an entire city almost to a train station to wish her goodbye on her holidays, even though he couldn't roller blade.

He'd once spent his entire months wages as a paperboy on a signed poster of her favorite rock star. Even doing extra paper rounds to pay for it; and when he learnt to drive the first thing he did was take her to the seaside and go paddling in the sea in the moonlight. - But then she'd stuffed it all in his face. Met a rich boy. Decided he wasn't "good" enough. Left him- and although much, much later after a failed marriage and a messy divorce she realized it and tried to reconsider.

The pain had been like thousands of corkscrews piercing his heart, and he couldn't love her anymore. Couldn't love anyone. The pain was too intense.

So when Rimmer suggested his madcap plan. He realized. Maybe it wasn't so crazy after all; he just wanted to prove to Elizabeth how much he loved her. After failing to get Rimmer's attention, Lister was at the end of his tether. "Rimmer!" he bellowed, yanking the hologram from his personal paradise.

"What?" he asked, looking at Lister, still smiling.

"The consoles fixed, we're leaving tomorrow"

Lister watched as Rimmer's face flashed from confusion to immense sadness, but to his surprise he nodded.

"I know" Rimmer sighed, sitting down "I just didn't want to remember..."

Lister nodded, but said nothing, what could you say? Was there anything that could make this situation better? He doubted it.

"Do I have time to say goodbye?" asked Rimmer,

Lister shrugged his shoulders "probably, but. I'm not knocking another can of larger over for you?" Once the words had been said, Lister swore at himself, if he had a failing, it was in times of severe sadness or awkwardness he always sad the wrong thing.

"Look man" said Lister, walking over to Rimmer "It's not what your put through, but how you deal with it that defines you.

"It's not what your put through, but how you deal with it that defines you..." Lister repeated "you see, this is a pretty crummy situation havin' to leave the girl you love behind...well actually I don't think I've ever heard of a crummier situation...but you've dealt with it pretty well

Rimmer frowned "I have?"

"Yeah!"

"I've dealt with it by crying, being moody and snapping at you...that's dealing with it?" said Rimmer, looking at Lister with raised eyebrows.

Lister nodded but as soon as he realize what had been said he stopped "well, kind of… but look at the solution you came up with for this situation! You knew that you could never been together properly, so you came up with this...this plan that meant you each had something to remember the other one by, and something to immortalize your love in forever..."

It was as if something inside Rimmer's head had slotted back into place, his eyes sparkled, and he stood up.

"Yeah, I dealt with it pretty damn well, not better then well I dealt with it better then anyone ever could…I rock!" he said announced proudly. "and now If you don't mind, I'm going to have one last 'meeting' with the women who has sent me crazy with love since the age of 13…don't wait up!"


	8. Saying Goodbye or at least trying to

**Disclaimer: Okay, I know this should have gone at the beginning, but I forgot. Sorry, none of these characters are mine (except Elizabeth...I own her! He He) so don't sure…please.**

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: I sincerely hope that I have had you ripping your hair out in annoyance at me not telling you what Rimmer's 'plan' is. I've done this for a reason…I was bored…and I'd like to see if any of you knew what was coming. I'd like to say thanks to all those who are reading and reviewing for the lovely comments you make.  
Thanks to Raging tree trunk who has sat through my ramblings and has given me tonnes and tonnes of help and has actually wrote a bit for this chappie too and also 'big up' to other bessie mate Nic, who phoned up for a chat and we got talking about our creative works (hers is slightly longer then mine, only by a couple of hundred pages…one day I will catch up), and no doubt she'll read this, and come in school turn to me and say 'you're mad!' GO NIC!

* * *

With Starbug fixed and ready to go, time was against Rimmer but fortunately Elizabeth had come to bid him goodbye…with perhaps more enthusiasm then necessary.

Cat nodded over to where Rimmer and Elizabeth were locked in a very passionate kiss that was getting more and more raunchy with each passing second, "I don't get it," he said, turning to face Lister.

"What's not to get?"

"Well this Elizabeth, she looks like a smart, respectful, thoughtful, beautiful young woman…"

Lister nodded "and?"

"Why the hell does she give all her affections to Hologram Henry over there, when there are much more striking individuals in desperate need of some lovin'!"

Lister smirked "like you?"

"Yeah" nodded the Cat, thrilled he was making his point "now why in God's name is that women _still _over there, with her tongue down" he paused to shudder "Rimmer's throat when I'm stood over here, looking my most handsome…clearly with a lot of time on my hands! I mean, WHY? I'm drop dead gorgeous, he isn't, so why's he getting all the action?"

Lister sighed, "Cat, you can love someone just for their personality, not just for their looks…"

Cat laughed "you crack me up sometimes, Buddy…'loving someone for their personality'…that's the best thing I've heard all year" He patted Lister, who was staring at Cat very bewildered, on the shoulder "you really know how to cheer me up!" he grinned walking off.

"Any time…" smiled Lister, still wondering what the hell was going on.

Meanwhile Rimmer and Elizabeth were still desperately trying to say goodbye, but each time one of them attempted it, the other felt it was time for another kiss or a quick cuddle.

"You can still come with me," said Rimmer softly, stroking Elizabeth's face "it's not to late to say yes..."

Elizabeth shook her head sadly "I've got my work here, Arnold…plus i'm going to be very busy from now on."

Rimmer beamed at her "I'll think about you _all_ the time, I'll never forget you"

"Rimmer man" shouted Lister "i'm not tellin' you again WE'VE GOT TO GO!"

Rimmer pulled a face at Elizabeth "annoying smeg head..." he muttered, making her laugh. "I guess this is goodbye then" he said, pulling her into a hug.

"Yeah, I suppose it is...now go before I get you into trouble" she said nudging him away.

"One more kiss?" he begged.

Elizabeth placed her hands on her hips, and pretended to be annoyed "oh for heavens sake, Arnold!" She said,

Rimmer took that as a 'yes' and took hold of Elizabeth spun her round and lowered her to floor, and kissed her like they do in old movies.

The only thing spoiling the moment was Lister shouting over to them "RIMMER, WHAT PART OF 'WE HAVE GOT TO GO' DID YOU _NOT_ UNDERSTAND? C'MON RIGHT NOW, PUT THAT GIRL DOWN, SHORTEN YOUR OVER ACTIVE LIBIDO AND GET YOUR ARSE IN HERE…PRONTO...BEFORE I GET REALLY MAD!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes "sorry Elizabeth" he sighed, "I've got to go, my _mums' _calling…"

"I heard that!" yelled Lister.

"You were meant to!" Rimmer shouted back, "he's an okay sort of guy really" he said, turning back to a giggling Elizabeth "then he wakes up…" Rimmer suddenly went very serious "I'll always love you, you know that…don't you?" he said,

Elizabeth blushed "of course"

"Even if I'm locked in a incredibly small sauna with all the universes glamour modelswith pert round bottoms, and amazing breasts that defy the laws of gravity and killer legs- and hips that wiggle in the most intriguing way who've just come from a 'G-string' fashion show and they're all mad with desire and I'm the only person they could vent it on…I'd say no…because I'd rather it would be you ripping my clothes off in a erotic, lust fuelled frenzy"

Elizabeth stared at him "thanks" she said uncertainly "that's very sweet…in a strange way. Now go on, get out of here before your _mum_ has a go at me for wasting time!"

Somehow, Rimmer was torn from Elizabeth's embrace by a severely pissed off Lister, he had vowed to try and be sincere, but the whole 'mum' thing had thrown him over the edge. The moment the doors of Sarbug slid into place, Rimmer raced to the cockpit, and waved to Elizabeth, he was still waving at the spacecraft took off, and when he couldn't see Elizabeth's figure any more, his waving was replaced by tears.

* * *

**Code 5263 section 4-1B:** When new personnel's undertake membership of the mining vessel corps Red Dwarf, and its sister ships White Giant and Gas Star, personnel must volunteer vital medical information for their own personal health and quarantine regulations.

Samples include: blood, hair, nails, dental records, fingerprints, genetic "fingerprints", detailed records of birthmarks/freckles/tattoos, family medical history, and detailed accurate reports of contact with species other that human.

Finally sex cell records must be kept. Specifically sperm from men and an egg from women- should circumstances arrive in which they need to be used.

All these samples will then be converted into digital format and installed into all JMC mining ship computers (including transport vehicle computers Blue Midget and Starbug) meaning the samples will be easily accessible for medical emergencies whether it is on the JMC ship or one of her transport vehicles.

At first when Rimmer had read this in the 'Welcome to the JMC' he'd thought that rule was ludicrous, when would a medical emergency arise when you desperately needed a sperm sample? He'd now changed his mind, saying if he ever met they guy who'd made that code he'd kiss him!

You see that was Rimmer's plan: he'd download (or was it upload, he never could remember...) his sperm sample back into it's original form, and give it to Elizabeth... not as some sick, morbid present but so she could then have In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)...to put it simply Elizabeth would have his child.


	9. Red letter day

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: End of and era…yes…this is the final chapter…and I'd like to say I had a great time writing this…I hoped you enjoyed it as much as I did! Big thanks to all you reviewers, and HUGE thanks and huggles to Liz (raging tree trunk) because she's been a huge help, and she even wrote a little something for this chapter (little being understated): Elizabeth's letter…all will become clear!

P.s tell me what you think of the ending…Sunrise.

* * *

Elizabeth traced her fingers across the glass of the photo frame; the people in the picture smiled back at her.

She and Arnold looked so happy, smiling and laughing for the camera, she'd been so happy, but then when Starbug had disappeared from sight...it all become clear that she was never likely to see the man who see loved dearly ever again.

She carried the photo frame over to the windows, torrential rain thundered off its glass, as if the weather was reflecting her mood.

Elizabeth gazed miserably at the dark skies, and wondered where and Arnold was or what he was doing...well she could probably guess, he'd be on Starbug either: annoying Lister, being annoyed by Lister or sleeping. She found herself staring up into the swirling mass of clouds, half expecting to see Starbug flying low over the trees coming into land.

She felt a tear roll down her cheek.

"Come on Elizabeth" she scolded herself "get a grip…" She'd spent the whole of her life dreaming of what was never to be, she wasn't going to spend the rest of her life pining for something she couldn't have.

If it hadn't been for Arnold's plan, she would have doubted if she could have carried on, loosing your true love twice in one lifetime would no doubt finish you off.

At first she was sceptical about his plan, one minute they were talking about jobs, weather, normal topics of discussion then he came right out with it 'Can you have my babies?' he remembered staring at his face wondering 'this must be a joke, we've only really been going out for 3 days...'

Arnold then began to panic; he became flustered, knocking things over talking unnaturally fast, mumbling and twitching.

"Please Elizabeth" he begged, "I know this is perhaps most perverted thing ever to be said to a women...with the possible exception of 'what colour knickers are you wearing' but please, you said you wanted kids with me... and I want kids with you...no not want...I NEED kids with you...please..."

"Arnold" said Elizabeth flapping her hands for him to lower his voice "please calm down"

Rimmer nodded and took several deep breathes "I know it's a weird proposition, and a strange way of symbolising our love...most normal couples just lay some decking in the back garden...but lets face it...we're hardly a normal couple are we?'

It was then that it all began to make sense to Elizabeth, she and Arnold didn't need to spend their lives together to prove their love, it would be nice if everything was normal and they could get married have children and grow old together, but as Elizabeth had already said 'as long as we love each other, then that's all we need to know...'

"Arnold" she smiled "I think it's a wonderful idea"

Rimmer looked like all his dreams had come true "you do?" he whispered

"Yes" Elizabeth, laughing at the obvious joy she had caused.

Rimmer beamed and pulled Elizabeth into a kiss, a hug and a dance all at once, he then suddenly stopped "please, explain the situation to the kid properly, I don't want him or her going through their teens knowing me only as the guy who knocked up their mum and then did a runner"

Elizabeth smiled "I shall tell them everything I know about Arnold J. Rimmer, the man who made my heaven on earth..."

* * *

Rimmer lay on his bunk, with his eyes closed tightly, he wanted to block out the world…block out the pain.

The music helped...kind of...it made him even more depressed (if that was possible). He'd spend nearly all of his day locked in his quarters refusing to speak to anyone. Lister, Cat and Kryten did everything they could think of to try and cheer him up...but nothing worked.

Rimmer didn't know where to put himself, the pain of losing Elizabeth again was that bad, he just sat on his bunk and cried.

"Rimmer man" came Lister's voice from behind the locked door "open up!"

"No" said Rimmer defiantly, turning his back on the door

"I just wanna talk...you need to do somethin' man...just please...I wanna help..." Rimmer grudgingly opened the door, and allowed Lister to enter. Once in the room

Lister suddenly felt very awkward, then an all to familiar sound entered his ear, and he groaned

"Rimmer…not this song again, I swear to God if here it one more time, I'll drown meself in the sink!"

Rimmer had taken to listening to the Lilly B. Hive cover version of 'Nothing compares 2 U'

She won an award for 'best newcomer with most depressing voice' and still is the most popular record for making people try to kill themselves.

It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't played it continuously, Lister now felt he knew every beat, note, riff and violin instrumental in the song, and to hear it one more time would surely send him on a killing spree.

"It helps me think…" said Rimmer

"Oh yeah" laughed Lister "helps you think about how crappy your life is...OFF!" he yelled, thankfully halting Lilly B. mid sentence. Lister then stared at Rimmer "Now, sit down and talk..."

"What about?" asked Rimmer confused,

"Anythin'" cried Lister, grabbing a can out of the fridge "I don't give a smeg, just...get somethin' off your chest"

Rimmer nodded "o-k-a-y" taking full advantage of Lister actually listening to him for once "it's just suddenly hit me that...I'll never see Elizabeth again..." he groaned and buried his head in his hands "I can't stop thinking about her, i'm always wondering what's she doing, where is she, is she thinking about me...it's like she's part of me..."

"You're getting off lightly" shrugged Lister,

"What?" said Rimmer, his face screwing up in bewilderment "why?"

Lister bit his lip, wondering whether he should share this with Rimmer

"Well...you never got to know her really well, and when you loose someone you know so much about...you don't have thoughts any more...you notice things they liked...favourite colour...favourite food...you're constantly linking places, sights, sounds, people, situations with the person you're in love with, they rule your life Rimmer...you're gettin' off lightly!"

The hologram remained silent for several minutes, just sitting on his bunk, fingers pressed to his lips in thought.

"You're right, Lister" he said finally "all great relationships need to end sometime…Romeo and Juliet…Jack and Rose…Kermit and Miss Piggy"

Lister looked up "Kermit and Miss Piggy split up!?!" he sounded shocked and disappointed.

Rimmer nodded, smirking slightly at Lister's childishness,

"Why?" asked Lister, "They always looked so happy"

"Mixed species marriages, Lister," sighed Rimmer "they never work…I mean imagine what there kids would look like!"

Lister nodded his head, still reeling from the surprise split of Hollywood's favourite puppets "oh that reminds me" he said "how are you gonna find out of you've got a kid or not?"

Rimmer groaned, he'd forgotten all about that "well, it's a little bit complicated, I told Elizabeth to send me a letter but address it to this Starbug, and on the envelope ask it to be put behind the large pipe in the boiler room and left there, which means supposedly it should be there now…"

"Then why haven't you gone and got it then?" questioned Lister, knowing it would be the first thing he'd do if he were in Rimmer's situation.

"I forgot!"

"You forgot!" repeated Lister.

"Yes" replied Rimmer, frowning back at him.

"Sorry, let just translate that for you ' I've forgotten I've got a kid out there with half of my genes'" Lister paused "d'you want me to go get it for you?" he asked.

"Yes" nodded Rimmer, so Lister made to walk off, "no, yes…no…YES!"

"Will you make up your mind" snapped Lister,

"I can't!" moaned Rimmer pathetically

"Look" said Lister impatiently "d'you want me to go and find the letter or not?"

"No." said Rimmer; just glad he'd finally made up his mind.

"Tough" said Lister "I'm getting it any way…" And he ran towards the boiler room.

Rimmer sat there and waited and panicked… what if his plan hadn't worked, what if he'd led Elizabeth to false hopes, what if she'd died alone, childless and cursing his name.

Lister arrived a moment later; in his hands was an envelope covered in dust, but seemingly untouched letter.

"You found it then?" said Rimmer, in an almost inaudible whisper.

"Yeah" nodded Lister, for some reason he was really anxious, it was like getting his exam results all over again, only this time he didn't know he was going to fail…what was in that envelope was anyone's guess.

"Can you open it?" asked Rimmer, shaking with fear.

"What!" cried Lister "no way man, it's your letter!"

"Please" begged Rimmer,

Lister sighed and tore open the letter "read it out?" he asked, looking up at Rimmer, who nodded mutely.

"Dearest Arnold" Lister glanced at Rimmer "-well that's good innit man- she said 'dearest' that's gotta be- ya know, positive"  
Rimmer, stared anxiously at Lister, "Just read the letter. Read it. Read it! READ IT!"

Lister was about to snap at Rimmer for being a pushy smeghead but noticed that his fingers were tightly wrapped round a newspaper, which had gone limp from the pressure, which was so great Rimmer's knuckles had gone white.

So instead Lister simply nodded.

"Dearest Arnold" he repeated, "If you're reading this –or having it read too you, as I guess you'll be too nervous to do it yourself- that means that your safe and well- I was going to say alive and well then! Oh dear me, what a situation, it has been a rather strange year for me anyway."

Lister looked over to Rimmer who had relaxed a bit,

"-She knows you well man" he added before continuing, "After you left, I went to see my Doctor, who told me not to get my hopes up as most people have to have several rounds of IVF to get pregnant and I only had one obviously.

He got out his high tech scanner and all that jelly stuff, and for a moment I wished you were there with me- holding my hand- smiling, going through all the motions with me, and I nearly cried when I thought about it, I felt abandoned for a moment- then I realised how selfish I was being. I have a good job, a nice house; and unlike so many people. I've found my soul mate- my one true love, and although he couldn't be with me. He- you wanted to be, and that's more precious than anything I could ever buy or ever wish for.

Anyway, the Doctor gave me a scan- there was nothing."

Rimmer felt his heart drop, but Lister continued,

"Then like music, a small thumping came across the speakers. Then another, and another. Heartbeats.

The doctor scanned further down my stomach and there they were.

Triplets; can you believe it Arnold?! Triplets!

He printed me a picture and I left. I was in a complete daze, TRIPLETS! The next thing I did was go straight to my boss and tell him. He nearly had a heart attack, he'd had me down as 'independent woman' which suited him fine, as I'd never settle down and have kids meaning he'd get work out of me and not have to pay me for maternity leave, he kept cursing, and when he learnt there was no 'father' on the scene he nearly exploded with anger- bless him, he's my Godfather and after my Dad died he took me under his wing. I told my Mum next. I thought she'd rave at me for being unmarried, etc. but she just said, "You've had sex?" and then, "ohh thank god I never thought I'd be a Grandmother" in fact she said she was glad there was no man there because it meant things wouldn't _really _change and she asked me to move in with her, which I did.

So 7 months later, I was out on the nursery balcony. We'd just finished decorating- you should see it Arnold, its beautiful, pastel greens and blues and yellows. Three cribs, toys from the 20th century- amazing really where I managed to get all those antiques I do not know! Anyway, I was on the balcony, looking at the stars and I smiled as I knew you were out there somewhere, and maybe 1 day you'd be back, for a moment I wished I'd gone with you, but I realised why we couldn't. You explained it to me, remember, about our parrarell universes and how you shouldn't have intervened in the first place as you could have caused the destruction of the cosmos –I'm glad you did though. Anyway, as I was stood on the balcony I felt these terrible pains and I knew Arnold- it was time.

My mother drove me to the hospital and 7 hours later I had our beautiful babies. The doctor thought it amazing I had a natural birth.

Fearne, Lia and little Jack. Jack had such a struggle for survival being the smallest and youngest of the 3, but see him now Arnold!

He's the biggest of the 3 and extremely mischievous and playful. He going to be a little heartbreaker one day Arn he looks so much like you! -Although, he gets a little shy around other children sometimes but Fearne looks after him.

She _was _the biggest at birth but now the smallest and sweetest child. I know I'm biased as her mother but one day we were in a shop and she said, "Mummy, look at that lady" pointing at one of the natives of the planet, I was highly embarrassed- everyone looked and she just pointed and then she said the most adorable thing, "Isn't she beautiful Mummy." The woman had obviously been listening and had ignored what she thought was an insult but she smiled at Fearne when she said that and Fearne was right. She was beautiful. I smiled and just said, "You know small children are always truthful, right" and that was it.

Lia is the most intelligent of the 3, learning to walk, talk and can even read before the other 2. She's very quiet and always making up stories in her head with her dolls, or illustrating with her crayons and notebook. She asked about you the other day, "all the other children at kindergarten have Daddies." She said.

"So do you. He loves you very much, and things of you everyday. He made Mummy the happiest woman alive, and blessed me with you 3 darlings."

She smiled- "I know he has Mummy. I know he has."

So there you have it Arnold. Your plan worked. I've enclosed a picture, but I really must go now and have the letter put into status to be posted on Starbug in the future- well your time in your universe, our future. Oh and look out for more letters. From the children- myself, every so often we may be able to post more. We'll always be with you.

Love always and forever, Fearne, Lia, Jack; and your Elizabeth."

"Wow" breathed Lister "you've got triplets, Rimmer…Rimmer?" he turned round to see Rimmer lying in a dead faint on the floor.

"You've fainted" muttered Lister "there's a shock!" he said sarcastically.

He then noticed the photograph stuck the letter, which he gently pulled it off. It was the perfect family photo; Elizabeth was beaming for the camera, her arms wrapped around her precious children.

A groan from the floor indicated Rimmer had woken up.

"You okay?" asked Lister,

"The letter" said Rimmer, he was speaking far too quickly even for him "give me the letter" Lister handed him the picture and the letter which Rimmer quickly skim read.

"There's got to be a mistake," he stammered once he'd reached the end "triplets…I can't make triplets…I…oh god Lister help me…" he glanced up at Lister awaiting his assistance, only to receive a shrug.

"Have you seen the photo yet?" asked Lister,

"No, I'm too busy worrying about how the hell I made triplets!" screamed Rimmer hysterically.

Lister carried on regardless "Jacks' the spitting image of you…" he grinned, picking up the photo that Rimmer had dropped in his panic and disbelief.

Rimmer grudgingly took the photo off him and allowed his eyes to wander across it, his face softened, he gazed at the triplets, scarcely able to believe he'd contributed towards making them…it was magical.

"Somethin' wrong" asked Lister, as Rimmer had gone quite which was never a good sign.

"No" sighed Rimmer, eyes locked onto the photograph "everything's perfect now!"

END


End file.
